Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Texas..where am I??

So Ive been in Germany for 3 months but after less than 24 hours in Texas I feel compelled to start a blog! It was a long ride-Munich-Chicago-Dallas-Lubbock. And of course I was seated in the netherregions of each plane and with each change had to run with my heavy bags to the farthest gate in each airport. I knew I was in a foriegn country when I landed in Chicago. I was running for my next flight but I was really more motivated to escape from the sickening odors of the various fast food joints and hordes of massively obese people I was passing. I never saw so many fat people in one place than in the airports of Chicago and Dallas. I mean every 4th person looked like a BLOATED Stay Puff M.Man. Every other person looked like they were in the various stages of Stay Puff Metamorphosis. Pop pop pop...pop pop pop. I was hoping to at least see some beautiful butterflies emerge, but I think its really an alien take over.

Moose picked me up at the airport and then we went to the supermarket. I wanted to get some yogurts for breakfast but in this giant supermarket with 50 choices of each product, there was a limited supply of yogurts in the dairy section and all were FAT FREE!!! Not one regular yogurt to be found nor one thin Texan in the market.

But I must say the people here are really friendly...perhaps TOO friendly. I did enjoy my conversations with the talkative crowds on my domestic flights. I even enjoyed my 4 hour religious debate with my born again Christian seat mate even though when I asked him if he felt sorry for me because I was Jewish and didnt except Christ, he said yes. He said he felt sorry because my life could be so much better....but he didnt judge me (even though Im going to hell)

I didnt enjoy the friendly bagger. First to contrast, in Germany they dont have baggers, they dont even have bags! And the bookbag I would bring was not allowed in the store. All the fattening foods Germans buy and eat in the store are burned off in the check out. First you run an obstacle course to the front of the store to pick up your bag, then you try to pay for your food while you are feverishly stuffing canned kraut and a large ham over soft fruit and camembert into your small bookbag because the next customers food is barrelling down the conveybelt and is mixing up with yours. Questions are spoken to you in German and in a moment of panic you cant even remember English.
In Texas they have baggers. They give you a choice of paper or plastic bags. And then, THEY COMMENT ON YOUR PRODUCT CHOICE. "Hey do you use that Colgate hydrogen peroxide because you have sores in your mouth or for another reason. Do you use it as a regular mouthwash?". Shocked, I just stared quietly at her...but telepathically, I said to her, listen fugly bitch, Im going to commit murder by breathing on you right now". She said, "I dont mean to get personal but Im going to school for dentistry".
Then she procedes to walk with us to our car pushing our wagon and then loading up our car (parked in a sea of oversized monster vehicles) while making chit chat.


bill zeman said...

welcome.. home? when are you coming back to Brooklyn? The bagger thing is too funny

David said...

You are so funny, but right on about your observations. Where is Texas are you? How does your brother survive in that social sphere?

Steve said...

Hey, I'm from texas... and you are soo right. That's funny. You are stopping in NYC, Right. Would love to see you.

STanda said...

You know you also need to put your fruits on lever before you come to the cashier in Czech Republic. Not even talking about that only some of the cashiers have VISA terminals so you need to wait in the other queue again later. :) Oh yeah, it is always fun to get back home.

Lisa Goldfarb said...

Hey guys thanks for the comments.
Ill be in NYC May 25-June 12. Hope to see y'all then!

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